"Bad Days"

Happy New Year! This is the part where I warn you that this particular writing won't be as light-hearted and may explore themes of self-harm, suicide and severe depression. Feel free to opt out if any of those may be a trigger for you :)

In true me fashion, immediately after the launch of my blog, I was hit by a significantly intense mental breakdown. Not mental breakdown in the "I'm upset", watered down way that has come to be associated with the phrase (not that being upset is any less valid, just not what I'm talking about) but more in the "my brain is causing me severe emotional, mental and physical pain and I'll die way.

You know what the worst part about having a mood/personality disorder is? Anything and everything can serve as a trigger for an episode. If someones tone changes when talking to me, if someones facial expressions change, if I can't find the pen "I swear I left right there" or even randomly, when I'm just not quite sure what's wrong. Living in my mind is what i imagine running through a minefield must feel like. Anxiety-inducing, volatile, terrifying, high-risk... basically if it's negative, I feel it.

Right about now you may be asking what exactly an 'episode' looks like. Keep in mind that my experiences are my own. and may completely differ from person to person even if they have my same diagnosis.

My "bad episodes" look different on different days and no, it's not always depression. Sometimes it is and in the really bad moments, I want to die. But other times, my bad episodes look like me spending time extremely irritated with my family or a friend or my partner. So irritated sometimes in fact, that more often than not it requires me to go mute for several hours, or days for the sake of my relationships. Other times, a bad episode comes in the in the form of mania. I feel dangerously invincible, my relationships temporarily seem replaceable, and it becomes hard for me to fathom the idea of consequences for my actions. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes an urge to drink or otherwise engage in some sort of substance intake- and pre-covid that was one of the hardest urges to ignore.

Its exhausting living with a brain whose first reaction to almost anything is kill yourself. If you know me in person, "I'm tired" is a phrase you hear from me a lot.

I want to end this on a light, less depressing note but I won't. Because the reality of mental illness is far from pretty, or fun or lighthearted and even writing this has taken a lot out of me. If you relate in any way, I hope you find what works for you, you deserve rest and happiness. We all do.

Until next time...

Phoelings